How to get over heartbreak

“Anyone who has lost something they thought was theirs forever finally comes to realise that nothing really belongs to them.” – Paulo Coelho

We have all experienced heartbreak in some way. We lose the ones we love, our relationship ends maybe not on our behalf, we lose our job or we lose touch with a friend or family member. Someone or something that you love and rely on, something that gives you a feeling of safety, is taken away from you and you feel like the floor has been swept away from under your feet. The process we go through is pure grief.

I live a pretty awesome life doing what I love. But sh*t happens anyway, no matter how much mindfulness you practice. Loss is an inevitable part of life. Although you can’t stop these things from happening, you can learn how to deal with them in a way that helps you to emerge stronger on the other side. 

I have recently experienced major loss. It shook my whole world upside down and the pain was all-consuming. The following helped me to get through this heartbreak with more ease.

Stop figuring out the ‘why’ and surrender

When we experience loss and it is outside of our control, usually the first response is to get angry. You feel like this is unfair and isn’t supposed to happen. You start dwelling on the why’s and why me’s. We start asking why this has happened to us, what we could have done differently. We start blaming ourselves and the others involved. We start wondering if we were not good enough. We start over analyzing the situation and are confronted by more and more questions. It only causes more confusion, pain and grief.

I have experienced this phase to the fullest. I have been furious and why-ing and what-the-f*ck-ing a lot. It’s OK to feel like this and fully allow these emotions to come up. Let your anger out in a healthy way (not so much on other people). Just let go of the why’s as soon as possible. It doesn’t serve you in any way. Over analyzing will only keep you stuck in a place of pain. Obsessing over what happened in the past will prevent you from moving forward. It already happened. All you can do is accept it. Let go of all the stories your mind loves to make up. It is the resistance to something that is happening now that will make the struggle bigger. All you need to know is that it happened. Accept it. And move on from there. Sometimes life doesn’t go the way you think it should go, you do not have to like this in any way, but you simply have to surrender to it.

Be kind to yourself

Accept that you are in pain and don’t feel well. We always want to feel our best and be happy. But heartbreak and grief is part of life and serves a purpose. By trying to get rid of that pain by feeling like we ‘should be over it already’ we only punish ourselves. Grief is a process and will take as long as it needs to. By pushing grief away you will only prolong the process. So be ok with not being ok right now. Don’t beat yourself up over it but instead be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself to go through all the stages of grief without trying to fast forward it or fight it. Take time out to take care of yourself. Read a book, go for a walk in nature, make yourself a cup of tea, take a yoga class, visit a healer. Go out and dance all night on the table. Crash on your friends couch and get as many hugs as you can. Do anything you can to practice love and compassion for yourself. It is okay to still have bad days, to feel like you move forward but then have days like you feel you’re starting at square one again. Respect the process.

Feel it all

As we all know, heartbreak sucks. Nobody wants to feel that much hurt and pain. The natural response to something we don’t like is to either push it away or to run from it. We go on endless nights out, we binge-watch TV series to numb the pain and pour ourselves another glass of wine. Sometimes the pain is too much to feel it all at once. And sometimes it is good to escape from it and give yourself a break. But pushing it away systematically will cause more problems in the long term. You cannot keep numbing yourself and, at one time or another, it will come out somehow and create even more problems in your life. So feel it all. Allow it to come up from time to time. Sit with yourself in silent meditation and allow all these emotions to come up. Feel your anger and rage. Feel the confusion. Feel the heartbreak. The only way to move forward in a healthy way is to move through the emotions. Cry if you need to and break down if you need to. Keep telling yourself it is OK; you do not always have to be strong all the time. The emotions make you human and show you that you are alive.

Let the pain teach you

When I was feeling confused and stuck in my pain, I messaged my friend. She is one of the wisest people I know and told me “In our darkest moments we can find the light.” I knew this was true but, being in so much pain, it is hard to find the willingness to look for it. We just want it to stop. So I started to stop running and fighting and started to sit down with it. I started to look at the pain in meditation and started looking at what was coming up. When we experience heartbreak in our lives, it is when we get our biggest lessons. Our pain is our greatest teacher. This is when you get out of victim mode and start to show up for what you are meant to be doing. You start to look for the opportunity in this pain that is here for you, to make you grow and evolve. Look at the thoughts that are coming up. What has it triggered in you? What lesson do you need to learn from it? What patterns from your past are showing up? It is all about what you have to learn about yourself. This is the time to stop looking around and to start fully looking within.

Actually everything that happens happens for a reason. Finding that lesson will give you the strength to go through it with more ease. When something serves a higher purpose, the pain is not for nothing anymore. You realize it is supposed to be there. And it is not happening to you, it is actually happening for you. It will help you to take back responsibility for your own happiness.

This too shall pass

When you are in the midst of the pain you will find yourself often wondering if this will ever stop. Believe me, it will. Just like everything else in life, the good and the bad, it won’t last forever. Feelings, thoughts, emotions, sensations, material things and also people come and go in life. Whenever it feels like you cannot take it anymore, hold on to the knowledge that, at some point, it will be over. You will feel good again. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Just have patience and take it step by step and day by day. Know that you will get there.

Do you want to start rebuilding yourself after the break up? Start straight away with the free mini mindfulness course in English or Dutch for more peace of mind